Hung-sober from Beer

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My Head Aches.
Like crocodiles infesting a lake.
Then I Ask Why
People Have to be Sober.
Then drink again.
Just to believe
They would feel better.

Isn’t it a fantasy
For a person
As complicated as me
To just hold on one thought or
Everything.
Believe in all things
Except reality.

Is it the beer’s fault?
Or am I just afraid of being caught.
Without Beer?

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Basking in the idea of productivity

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Idle is not really that bad … except if you’ll allow it as a gateway for some evil thoughts and deds you know. I’m thinking that coming from a busy week at work and at home I deserve to be idle and actually master the art of doing nothing. Is that ok? I don’t know but I really don’t want to care – right now. Maybe tomorrow or the days to follow I will … but for this moment, I am deciding to be unproductive.

This morning was not a breeze. I had to have a battle with my rationality and my emotions. Why are emotions so damn hard to fight with? They’re like the master of everything. Everytime that my rationality would give me that hint of being able to have a choice, I keep on drowning to justifying my emotions.

Are there moments when you want to just go back to what you were? Not saying to a younger self, but to your old YOU. That’s how I feel.

Before I am Free. There are several bumps along the road we call life but I managed to make myself happy. I had my music, my thoughts balled into words. I had ME. I had my own mug of coffee sipped while looking out the window on a rainy day, the feeling, it’s freeing.

I’m not complaining, I don’t want to. It’s just that I feel like there are better things in store for me. I’m not so good in getting the most out of what’s there, I was too deprived before that I can’t contain the thought of not getting what I NEED. See, it’s not even WANT.

But maybe … well maybe, or better yet I’ll claim that there is a silver lining in all things. I know I’ll get there, I will.

Bottomline is, ranting is necessary. That’s what blogs are for. Self-counseling and self-healing.

Not ok yet but I will be.

Emotions and fatty acids

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For so long I have been out of the reality I have always wished to have. A Happy one. Right now, I realize that keeping myself healthy well, not totally, surely helps the way I perceive things and the thoughts I entertain.

My mind has been freed of the many worries which kept me stagnant for weeks months. And I don’t know if it is a coincidence, but I believe it is because of the pill I’m taking which indirectly flushes out toxins from my body. .. which leads me into saying that FAT is surely one hell of an excess baggage, literally and figuratively.

Fats, toxins, or whatever it is that keeps you body unhealthy. You need to get away from them, if you can that is. If you can’t … use the help of a third party .. a detoxifying pill. Pill moderately.

I smoke.I drink.I eat a lot. — let’s detoxify gradually and in backwards.

I eat a lot. That is my goal to change for now. Image

Blogs from Multiply

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buti na lang
andyan ka
kapag may luhang tumulo, may pupunas nito
kapag may mukhang nakasimangot
papasayahin mo
pag may ulong masakit
at likod na nangangawit
ito’y imamasahe mo

naisip ko
paano ako nabuhay noon ng wala ka
mga luhang natikman ng labi
mukhang nakangiti ngunit hindi napansin
ulo na pinasakit lalo
at likod na tinuyuan ng pawis

kung may pag-ibig man na maipapagmalaki ko
yun ay yung tipong binibigay mo
masarap angkinin
masarap mithiin

hinulog ka talaga ng ulap at dinala ng hangin
oras na raw para makilala ko ang bituing laan para sa akin
bente tres na taon at pitong buwan
ang tagal ng paghihintay’ mapapantayan lamang

ng isang ikaw
buti na lang…

APRIL 2009

 

To the One I Love,

Good Morning Love! I slept last night and woke up in the morning with a smile on my face and it’s because of You. How do You do it? Well I know I shouldn’t really ask but it really is amazing how wonderful life can be. Yes I know, You are the One responsible, You have always been.

************

Just the other day I was feeling a little low, it could be different psychological and biological factors affecting it but I did not really care much for as my mantra goes, everything happens for a reason and all I have to do is to find reasons. Then I shall hop forward unto that phase where I have to celebrate each lesson that I learn from the downers.

I read from a book that there is this one man who lived indifferently the whole time he had been existing with the world, his reason was that in every situation there is an opposite reaction that will follow. This means that, in every happy moment, one should expect a reverse reaction a day after or even hours after. Well, I would not really buy that, if I do, then it would become a reality for me. Life should not always be created the way other people would. That is why it is called YOUR life, right love? You just have to live it the way your Creator wills it. Every time you walk a wrong path, He makes you learn and return to scratch and gives you the chance to continue the journey towards the right path He made for you. Amazing, how His love expands every time we falter.

****************

Love, You know very well that I do not cry easily. My tears seem to regard themselves as golden and would not shed for anything superficial, well, I can’t blame them, it is their choice anyway. But, there would be times when a single thought about a person or people that I love or is/are pure of love would break me into tears. Tears that I sometimes still try to hide. Tears that are now shedding too often.

Why then? Why do we cry? How do we know that what we are crying for is worth the very last teardrop? I finally realized I was talking my thoughts out too loud that I cannot hear what my tears were saying.

************

What then? Tears… pray tell me. I am running out of anything to wipe you off with. I am running out of time.

DEC 2008

Coffee and Rain./

It was the best random thing I have thought of writing about because Katie Perry’s Hot and Cold song is now playing. It is raining now but unfortunately I do not have the pleasure of sipping a hot coffee right now. So…let me just relive the coffee feeling in my nerves.

Coffee.

Oh how I love it. I used to sip it not too often when I was younger. We had this big house and I always played by myself since my closest old sister did not want a part of my playing skills after all back then. What I would do was, talk to my so-called imaginary friends.

A little commercial – it is lights off now, for some reason that heavy the rain just caused a brown out – .

Anyway with the imaginary friends, I make coffee for them and tell them to sit by the sofa and then right there and then we’ll have our little coffee party. I just wonder now how the hell did I push through with that kind of game without anyone telling me that it was a little weird.

Maybe that is why I grew up like this…you know..weird.

Then I grew older and my fascination for the taste of coffee increased with my age. I went through the coffee phases like drinking it to make me awake, or just sipping it for the sake of my oral fixation problems. Now my coffee is one of my best friends. It relaxes me in a way that only my system could explain. And of course, it brings me or rather leads me to doing another solution to my oral fixation problems – smoking – but that is a different story.

Black coffee was not really a preference but it will do if there is no creamer around and I really had to take a sip of my kape. Brewed…well…would do.

When I was in college, I was a part of a college paper. I never really liked studying anymore at that time so I made a way for me to somehow exercise my love for writing.  I like being alone. A lot of people in that organization can understand me as well as my love for coffee. So , I survived..thanks be to God.

There would be times when I would be early for a class so what I would do with my extra money early in the morning is to go to my favorite spot in P Campa. It was Mcdonalds which served me the perfect place for my thoughts and for my articles as well. It made me remember of my highschool days when my friends and I would visit Mcdonalds to eat and spot boys. I would always love highschool you know.

So even if the airconditioning is not yet on, I would work myself up to the second floor and there I would sip my hot coffee, enduring the hot room. It makes me think more, being alone. It stimulates my senses more, being sweaty. Then just like a hopeless romantic writer, I would just pull out any clean sheet of paper and write. Think, write, sip. And I do not know now where those papers are. I just know that, that place did not only give me motivation to think and write but also made me wish so hard discreetly to myself that someday… I would be sitting in the same spot with  the guy that I love beside me.

Ow. Well… good my wish is now coming to a reality, after two years of pondering about it.

And then coffee became so expensive. I graduated and yes, it was not that expensive anymore for I have money to burn now for my coffee treats. I go there as often as I wanted to, just thinking, writing, sipping.

Coffee would be my ideal mate when I am sober. It makes me think, write, and sip about life and I cannot get that from anybody or anything.

Rain

A lot of people would say a rainy day makes them feel gloomy. I feel otherwise, it makes me feel that it is so nice to live, to rest, to enjoy. It gives me a good reason for my being lazy. A good damn reason for my sentiments. I also get to write more songs when it is raining rather than when it is not. It is that special time to cuddle with the one you love, with the one you are passionate about. It makes me think about things that I would want to do with my life. It is the portal of my fantasies. And it gives you the perfect moment to kiss that person you would want to grow old with and want to share your last breath with. It is the perfect background music for your tears. The sweetest thing you could hear when you are alone. I don’t know with you but with me, It makes me want fall in love more and more and more and more.

Need I say more.\

excerpt from VIOLET by Coppola 

NOV 2008

isn’t it?….*sigh with a smile* =) that is why when you don’t feel happy anymore with what’s going on..lean on reality and bite it – maybe you have to do some changes, because every moment you spend in loneliness, could be some happy moments you have been missing all the while.

To You: Thanks for being so special and making my heart jump and beat every minute I am with you. Let us live and love what we are having.Let us have each other.Let us be.

SEPT 2008

An open letter to whoever will feel guilty after reading this

Dear You, 

     How are you today?I see you have been thinking a lot…well that usually defines you. You know what?I went to your favorite coffee shop, there was this girl who resembled a lot of your  features. She was wiping tears from her eyes. I wanted to talk to her but, I did not really want her to feel that I was meddling with her issues or whatsoever. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is because I remembered you. You know how much I love you, I just can’t seem to express it often. You opened my heart and mind to what love is. The first time you hurt me, I never felt anger – I felt I have to love you more because I back then I was not giving you enough, you weren’t happy maybe with the things I was doing for you that is why you tend to do things that hurts me. I gave more effort and was hurt again and again that just made me love you even more. And after more than a decade of knowing each other, I still love you. And this love is more than the love many people are sharing. I can imagine growing old with you, I can  imagine  drinking beer with you and your boyfriend, I can imagine being a godfather to your daughter…but I can’t imagine life without you. That is how you made me, and I am thanking you for it. I apologize for the times when I say the wrong things whenever you are sad, I do not really know how to make you feel better because when you are in pain, I am too and I can’t make myself feel better the same way I can’t to you. I am sorry. Yesterday, you visited, I cannot express so much joy upon seeing you because you might feel uncomfortable, but my arms were so excited to hug you. I secretly watch you smile and laugh while talking with my mom, you really are great friends after all. And yes, I still love the way you smile. I drove you home and we talked about my girlfriend, you really think I am head over heels for her? Yeah maybe, but I cannot see myself with her in the near or far future – not like what I see with you. You see, there are many things in my heart and my mind that I do not know how to say to you but anyway, what I just want you to know is … you can never be replaced. The world that we have created only for the both of us will remain in me. Please do not cry anymore, you know I would do anything to make you feel better but I can’t. But I will always be with you. And here, in this coffee shop, where we shared most of our tears and laughter – here in our corner – I will continue enjoying our world. Everything of mine is yours. I already emailed you your wedding vows, I hope he likes it.

Always, 
Me

JULY 2008

she is the reason why i keep on living life
trying to learn everything about life
trying to feel every pain, every pleasure
so that when the time comes she is about to face the real world
she has me to help her pull through
we only have each other to count on
she defined what unconditional love is all about
she is my every bit of weakness
and very bit of strength
and everytime life pricks me to pieces
she is the only thought that could make me whole again
she makes me realize life should not be of regrets
because regrets only bring us lessons unlearned
she means happiness
her tears break my heart, more than anyone else could
and she is the only one who i know i can give my promises to forever
she makes me smile after a storm
she gives me the most comforting kisses and hugs
she is my angel
she is the most wonderful gift God has planned for me

i love you anak =)
i miss you so much…

MAY 2008

ng Jars of Clay…

pag tinagalog mo…

tsaa at sympatya…

ang galing magkatunog pa rin…

ahay…isa’t kalahating araw na lang…

hibernate na

APRIL 2008

Lingering Beerdom

 

 

 

     In the entirety of my 21 years of existence, I never learned how to cry without tears. Not until I knew and felt death – not until I fully understood it. Someone told me I was nearing death and that I only have an hour left. I asked about how I would die but that somebody just looked at me and smiled.

             The first five minutes I kept silent, thinking of how my family would be without me … but I would rather not know. The next minutes, I found myself wanting for beer and the edgy feeling of getting tipsy. For me, tipsiness was always as satisfying as winning in the lottery or having multiple orgasms. My fifth bottle made me realize that I had too much to bring and too much to leave for death. So I cried and looked in the mirror saying things that I have been wanting to tell myself but I could not 10 hours ago. It was a habit for me to cry and smile while looking in the mirror. You know how it is to feel the pain and yet still know how to smile – the wonders of pretenses. My eyes were drooping as I took my 6th bottle and I saw myself under a coconut tree watching the water flowing in the river and eating strawberry ice cream as the sun set on me. When you are alone and tipsy, you get to see the beautiful things in your life that you have unknowingly ignored.

     The last 10 minutes of my life is for my 7th bottle. The thoughts of dying made me want to sue the beer company and blame them for my death. I laughed alone for no reason at all, because ever since, I enjoyed laughing alone – amazingly, I stayed sane. Three last shots of beer, last 5 minutes of my time, I talked to God. I told him that I am very grateful for the life that he gave me, although He is asking it back now. I asked Him not to tell my family that I was going to die and to give my collected diapers to the needy.

     One last session of sip …

     Last minute of my life …

     I saw that somebody again asked her to take the last bottle – she agreed. She drank the beer so loudly that each of her gulp seemed like the 60 seconds left in my life – 60 seconds to my death.

     The last gulp – I waited for my death and closed my eyes.

     Time is up. Nothing happened.

     I opened my eyes and there I was in front of the mirror holding my 7th bottle that was not full because it was empty.

     I never felt this sober in my life.

..want to get drunk and be sober at the same time?

 

APRIL 2008

dilat na mata
inaantok pa
katawang kailangan ibanat
makunat pa rin
bukang liwayway
bibig mo na may laway
ngiting di sinasadya
emosyong nagbabadya
ngiti ng tatay mo
walang pagbabalat-kayo
trabaho tabaho trabaho
masarap na hapunan
masarap din titigan
akyat-baba sa hagdanan habang tulala
parang libog na walang malisya
pasukin ang sariling kaharian
na may pamilyar na higaan
kapeng lumalamig
utak na kumakabig
blankong isip
imposibleng makamit
papel at pluma
pati ang gitara
umextra
marami ng nasulat
maraming-marami
handa ng umawit
ang sarap mabuhay
ng may Kinikilala
huling titik at letra
para sayo sinta
pikit na mata
gising sa iyong diwa

hindi de-metro ang tula
parang ako
sayo

TRIP TO BULACAN

kanina napangiti nanaman ako…

bakit

i had ashley to wake up to

i had a dream to learn from

i had family to love

i had a text message from a loved one

i had reasons to write these

and now

i have a chocolate to munch on

i have a time to savor work

i have a time to laugh

and later

i shall have the time of my life

bakit

kasi masaya talaga

kahit hindi mo hinihingi

kapag naniniwala ka

yun ang mangyayari

JANUARY 2008

you took chances

those chances failed you, never made you feel whole

being happy is my take on love

and if those chances are far-fetched dreams of joy

letting go always becomes a necessity

and a want as well

 

JANUARY 2008

Tame me..or else you won’t hear anything you’d like to hear.

I am a sucker for understanding how the world goes…

I love to rationalize…

I gain comfort in giving things reasons…

I sometimes force myself to be happy..and yes I was successful

I get to feel what I think

I sometimes don’t follow parallelism

I love with my mind….and know with my heart

I hate those who have hurt me because I loved them

I forgive them afterwards because I realize they’re not worthy of my spirit

and soon dwell in them indifferently

Now I give my love no matter what.No matter what…

you.

You tried to be the worth of my everything.

you gave me thoughts to ponder and needles in my heart.

you brought me here.

elsewhere i wouldn’t want to be.

this.

this should make me think less, wala akong magawa at ako’y gising, dilat na dilat ang mata.hindi ko akalaing magigising ako ng ganito kaaga kase bagsak katawan ko kanina.ilang gabi akong natutulog sa pagtilaok ng manok kaya siguro ngayon hindi mapakali ang katawan ko dahil wala pang tilaok.sabik na ko sa pasko, sabik na ko sa pakiramdam.mahal ko talaga ang buhay…

minsan ayokong magsulat ng ganito, ayoko kasi pakawalan ang pakiramdam.

minsan gusto.

natatawa ako kanina sabi ni ashley bibigyan daw niya ko ng invitation para makapunta sa bday niya…taray ng lola mo…buti na lang naisip niya iyon kundi di ako pwdeng pumunta..nagkita kami ni mareng candy kanina, andaming isyu napagusapan sa maikling panahon…lumalakas na ang kumare ko, alam na niya yung gagawin niya, nakakatuwang isipin.ang sarap makipagkwentuhan sa isang taong alam ang gagawin…kasi hindi mo na masyado papagurin ang sarili mong mag-isip ng tama para sa kanya.

masarap mag-isip, hobby ko yon.kaya lang may mga pagkakataong masarap na lang tumulala..isa ko pang hobby.

buntong-hininga ako’y matutulog na…wala nanaman akong saysay.

 

 DECEMBER 2007

The Guilty Song

It’s those times when you say that I’m perfect

That I look like a faucet when I sleep

And I was not that someone you dreamt to keep

It’s those times when you say I’m not perfect

And you still kiss me and hug me with respect

And then you tell me how a faucet amazes you

And how your dreams cna sometimes deceive you

It’s those times when you say you’re not perfect

And I still kiss you and hug you with respect

** With you, I want to break all the promises I made

And instead, just do them

Without living much to be said

* I want to dry your hair

I want to clean your ears

I want to collect your tears

And handle it with care

And when you’re busy I ask for ask for a moment

Leaving everything for me wasn’t easy I know

But you still gave your desired-for comment

(**,*)

THE GUILTY SONG

I would not rather talk about love or any of its prerequisites, but sometimes the thought just haunts me like a perfect whisper amid a crowded room.

      His name is Andres, I have not known hin for so long. He was the perfect stranger whom I wanted to kiss, to touch, and to be with until life begets love. He has his own issues and so do I. His issues are not destructive for him but for me. One moment we were talking, I think I heard him mumble “I do notbelong to you” between the lines. My unwanted rational thinking tries to overcome the questions. But as an adult playing child, I broke down and he did not hold the pieces that were left of me. He just looked down.

     Because I wanted to save my sanity, I pulled up what was left of me and tried to revive it, tried to console it – I became successful. I cannot anymore let hm undress my weakness. I tried to tell him indirectly – I do not belong to you as well.

     After so many qualms of the refusal of the truth, Andres stayed in my life. I did not ask him to but he just did. I was not so sure if that was for the security I fed him with. I know I love him even if he does not know the same. Some thoughts are left unsaid and it is up to my tired mind to decipher and deliberate on his made up ellipsis.

     Now my world made-up for him is in limbo. I try not to count the days, the nights that I will not be with him, nor his voice. It is true – it its complementing to lavish the pain and the tears that dwell hidden. I may not be the same person again but I know I am better. I know that I can love without taking any for myself.

I am not regretting anything.

Andres is my greatest mystery.

 

ONE LITTLE TWO LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

 

He’s soul never knew what it wanted

My love was dismissed and taken for granted

I do not want to believe

Yet I am here

Still believing you

 

Was my voice too soft for you to understand?

My thoughts are not juts merely a work of a hand

I have taken all the seeds and I grew

Still I never knew

I was a kite that never flew

 

Haven’t I told you?

Someday I will be peeping through a hole

Your incompleteness I shall fill

But still

I am a thousand steps from being real

 

I woke up deprived of my wanted fantasies

Tried hard to numb my mind

Through the day

Slept and still

You couldn’t feel

 

1.12.07

 

Do you really want to know the reason why I lied?

Why I became the person you never wanted me to be

Even if I wanted tot tell you the stories behind my eyes

 

I couldn’t

 

Because I am too scared to be free

From all these

 

From all of you

 

You may not want me in your life right now

Like you can just push the buttons and get rid of me somehow

 

Discreetly you know I still have you

And you likewise

The big deal is game’s over

The tie has been broken

Drown me now with the tears I have caused you

Wound me now with the scars I left you with

Make me deaf with the words that have hurt you

But let me please keep my sanity and trust me – once again

 

I know it will be hard

Harder

Harder

 

If you would just let me guess

 

n.d.

 

 

Beneath the circumstances

Is you

And a big-footed ambush

Doll waiting to be thrown

In dire consequences

I live to you

 

And those thousand melancholies; thousand folly-drinkers

Eating rotten stew

I beg you

Disagree with my conscience and fulfill my collated burden

Of love

 

See me open my eyes with unwanted salty tears shed for the night

And the morning after

And again

The morning after

 

Goodnight.

 

5.31.07

 

Musika iniibig kita

Ang buong pagkatao ko’y nakikinabang

Sa habag mo

Sa ugoy mo

Sa mga letrang tila lumuluha sa galak

 

Musika ako’y iyong dinggin

Ang aking hiling ay

Magmistula kang

Walang lumbay

Puno ng buhay

 

Musika ang tanging alay ko

Ang tanging tibok ng puso ko

Ay tugunan ang lahat ng iyong kibo

Ang awit mo

Ay kung saan tayo magtatagpo

 

Musika sa huling hakbang

Ng aking pag-ibig

 

Musika sa huling biyaya

Ng aking pagtitig

 

Musika ako’y iyong tapatin

 

Musika, ako ba’y kaya mong ibigin?

 

5.31.07

 

Elsewhere we will be here

Someday you’ll find me here

Where I buried my thoughts that linger in you

Time will forbid my madness

For now any clouds will be clearer

And I shall mumble on the joy of your strangeness

In each strand of hope I will surrender

I wave my flag as you let the sun set on me

 

I will smile

For my love will stay with you

But my thoughts will no longer linger

 

With you.

 

k.a.p.e.

 

 

 

somewhere over the new year

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There were hesitations to write, hesitations to share my thoughts. But then, I just want to let out pieces of my mind just in case I ran out of it, I’ll always have a place to go to and rekindle the lost passion.

I have been writing for so many years. But of course it’s not something that sells. It is for my own sanity.

What I am feeling now is excitement for the year to come. The first hour of 2009, I got to write a year-ender note which I traditionally do. (spare me for flight of ideas) The content of which I read again yesterday. It was about positivity and hope. I ended 2008 with a healed heart ready to take over my mind. I was able to do it … little by little. 2009 was great, there were no big ruins brought about failed love and so and so. Instead, I believe I have found love … the genuine one … the one that would stay with me for a long time.

I have been through  lot, but I know that those things just have to happen. I would not be this woman if it weren’t for the experiences some friends gave me. That is why I don’t have anything against being friends with ex-boyfriends. They have this part in my heart that I would always visit every once in a while. Meeting up with them does not mean I still want to be with them, it’s more like a let’s – catch- up thing for me. Which of course cannot happen now because my boyfriend does not dig the thought. Of course it is my responsibility to be a little submissive over things that I do have a choice with.

Anyway, that is not what I really want to talk about … I just want to share that 2009 had been a really great year for me and I know 2010 will be better, I will make it better. It is so easy to make it better. Right mindset. Let’s Go!